silencio

We are caught in another episode of this disease called silence, which is the most agonizing cancer of all. I don't know where this is going, but the ups and downs are more frightful than riding a sine wave that bears an incredibly humongous coefficient.

I wish we would talk and stop passing time just dragging this plan on for weeks and weeks. This game is the most harrowing thing I have ever had to go through, and guess what, I'm still in.

My hip feels fractured, and I don't know whether physical exertion is to blame, but this ordeal with you has crushed all my bones (and more), and I'm only upright because I glued the bonedust (and more) together; I don't want to lay scattered or look like it.

I don't know what to say to you and how to say it. It is some kind of jewel I greatly wish to keep, and yet I don't understand our friendship at all.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part IV

Then it is evident that “Rejection” can be transformed into a greater good because you learn to become independent. When a person is independent, he (she) will be able to know more about oneself and one’s capabilities as a person. Nothing can cloud your judgement. Based from my experiences, I learned that there are many advantages from learning how to “adapt” from that kind of situation such as self-reliability. I also realized that there are far greater things than holding on to the past because the past is only a memory in a person’s mind and one can’t turn back the hands of time. You can only relive them through dreams. Hence, it is better to move on than being held down by your past and discover a new path in living a better life. In my case, I’ve learned to let go of my past as a reject, instead I used that memory to learn independence and self-reliability. For that matter, I am thankful for that lesson in my life because I am who I am right now because of those misgivings and rejection. I believe that because of those experiences I am a stronger person, who is capable of standing alone amidst trials and condemnation.

-THE END-

Phenomenology of Rejection Part III

It is an issue on “independence” (being able to stand up on ones own feet). What is the connection between “Rejection” and “Independence”. If we separate the two, we are now looking at “rejection” and “independence” in a different perspective. Rejection is a state of being deprived of attention and affection thus giving you a feeling of being unwanted; while independence is free from the influence, and guidance from others. What is the connection between these two factors? Basically, when one is being rejected or taken for granted in any way for consecutive times, the person learns to become “independent”.

What is the essence of these experiences? During those times of being a cast off, I felt that I could somehow adapt to that feeling, making me numb to every rejection about to come. Adapting to this feeling means that I should be self-reliant and independent of other people’s attention and that I should not be influenced by what they think of me. Somehow I learned to become apathetic of the goings on around me. I told myself that there are many more things that can be achieved when one is independent. If one depends on a certain person, (In our case, our parents) you are bound by their limits and boundaries.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part II

As I slowly matured to a teenager, I became very independent. During my high school days, I started to stay away from home. I became a happy-go-lucky person. I’ve taken for granted my studies and prioritized my friends, not thinking about the side effects of my decision. I suddenly felt freedom because when I am with my friends, I felt that I can do everything, that everything is in the palm of my hands ( I can do everything I want without any inhibitions and regrets). It even came to a point where we started drinking everyday at our school without my parents knowing it. I became an alcoholic, thinking that it can help me clear my mind from all the problems I have. When I was younger, I was always with my grandparents (mother side) because they are the only ones that can understand me. They believed in my capabilities. When I was in grade school, I was a constant achiever because they (my grandparents) believed in me. I excelled because of their faith. That was enough for me to do all of my duties extra ordinarily well. That is why when my grand mother passed away, I felt that some part of me died, that I couldn’t live anymore without her. For some time, I was being laid back from all the things that were supposed to be done. During those trying times, I was being dragged to a path that I never liked. I became a “typical bad boy.” During those days, I thought of committing suicide but some part of me was saying,”You have better things to do in your life rather than committing suicide”. What was happening to my life? What am I going to be if this kind of attitude towards life continues?

It was apparent to the above narration that in order to answer these questions, I would have to look deeper into my self and see the different factors that led me to this path. This can be generally described as a problem on a person’s relationship to himself. How much do you know yourself? Basically, a person must seek what is his (her) purpose (the essence of life itself) in his (her) life.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part I

Ever since I was a little child, my parent’s concern to me was extraordinary. They gave me ample attention even though they feel very tired and stressed out. They even brought me to their office in order to attend to my wants and needs. They never seem to fail in giving me my heart’s desire. Even my older sister allots her time for me. I was the “bunso” for seven years. I was the center of attention for a long time. But after that, my baby sister was born. After her birth, I was suddenly neglected. The kind of attention that was given to me suddenly faded, it was passed on to my baby sister. During those times, I was confused. I was asking myself, why is she getting that much attention? Am I not good enough? At this point, I wasn’t aware that I was already in pain. I was experiencing partial rejection.

As time passes by, my awareness of the fact that I was not the center of attraction anymore started to get into my head, I started to believe that it is normal; that I don’t need anyone in order to survive. But why do I feel that I was being left out when my baby sister is around? Why am I longing for the attention that was given to me when I was still the “bunso” in the family? That was the question that keeps on bothering my head. It was hard for me to comprehend because I was still young then. I can still recall when I was about 8 years old: We went to the mall to buy something for ourselves; my mom was so exuberant when it comes to buying clothing and bags for her daughters but when it comes to her son, the atmosphere suddenly becomes so cold. I was asking my mother for a certain pair of shoes because I needed it for our PE classes but she didn’t approved of it, instead, she told me that we will buy it some other time. In my mind, I thought that it was just alright because as she said, maybe some other time; but when it comes to my sisters, she always approves of it. Then I thought, “Why does she always approve of their wants but when it comes to me, she denies me?” Then I decided to become a little bit insistent on my wants, but I ended up being scolded. I reflected on the things that I did during that time and it came to my mind; ”Maybe what I did was wrong, Maybe I didn’t need those things, Maybe I don’t deserve it” Then I asked my mom “Ma, anak mo ba ako?” she replied, “Yes, you are my only son and for that, I love you so much.” I can never forget the time when she said that to me because it gave me “hope” and helped me move on but it didn’t make me forget the fact that I was being deprived of my wants.

to be continued...

The Body

A holistic approach on the study of man would be to discuss him as a person physically and him as a person spiritually, socially and mentally. The Body is a part of a human person wherein they perform their specific task by utilizing the body. It is true that “the body” is a very intriguing subject because the functionality of a human person is what we are taking about, the essence of his life as a human being. It’s impossible to discuss a person without mentioning of the body and soul together. When we refer to a body, it is useless without the soul. Of course this spring true for believers like us Christians; while some people do not believe in the soul; they believe in a higher form of being. A form of being which only a limited and lucky few are able to reach right time and place.

According to Aristotle, a great philosopher, “man is the whole of his body and soul. There is no sense in asking if body and soul are one. They are like the oneness… The relation of matter to form… Likewise, the body and soul of man are only two aspects of the whole man.” What Aristotle said is true because the ‘body’ is the structure of a person’s ‘soul’ and the ‘soul’ gives the life to the ‘body’ in the guise of its emotions. The human body is a very complex structure because the physical body is the form wherein the soul takes it shape. The Soul energizes the body and guides ‘it’ to create a better living standard or basically become a humane individual. Thus, they are two distinctive aspects of a unique human being. Human existence is animated by the soul through the body, it uses the body as a medium of interpreting its feelings and communicate with others, Hence, these concepts of a human person makes an earthly being unique.

sorry, i can't

If I can take your pain away from you, I would
If I can make it my own, I would
If I can turn your sadness into joy, I would
But I can't.

If I can strike down those who stand against you, I would
If I can curse those who cursed at you, I would
If I can hate those who hate you, I would
But I can't.

If I can make you see the magnitude of my love, I would
If I can make you feel the warmth of my touch, I would
If I can make you realize what I've always known, I would
But I can't.

I can't take your pain away, I don't know how.
I can't strike your enemies down, you won't let me.
I can't make you feel my love, it's all over.
But if I could, I would. But I can't.