silencio

We are caught in another episode of this disease called silence, which is the most agonizing cancer of all. I don't know where this is going, but the ups and downs are more frightful than riding a sine wave that bears an incredibly humongous coefficient.

I wish we would talk and stop passing time just dragging this plan on for weeks and weeks. This game is the most harrowing thing I have ever had to go through, and guess what, I'm still in.

My hip feels fractured, and I don't know whether physical exertion is to blame, but this ordeal with you has crushed all my bones (and more), and I'm only upright because I glued the bonedust (and more) together; I don't want to lay scattered or look like it.

I don't know what to say to you and how to say it. It is some kind of jewel I greatly wish to keep, and yet I don't understand our friendship at all.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part IV

Then it is evident that “Rejection” can be transformed into a greater good because you learn to become independent. When a person is independent, he (she) will be able to know more about oneself and one’s capabilities as a person. Nothing can cloud your judgement. Based from my experiences, I learned that there are many advantages from learning how to “adapt” from that kind of situation such as self-reliability. I also realized that there are far greater things than holding on to the past because the past is only a memory in a person’s mind and one can’t turn back the hands of time. You can only relive them through dreams. Hence, it is better to move on than being held down by your past and discover a new path in living a better life. In my case, I’ve learned to let go of my past as a reject, instead I used that memory to learn independence and self-reliability. For that matter, I am thankful for that lesson in my life because I am who I am right now because of those misgivings and rejection. I believe that because of those experiences I am a stronger person, who is capable of standing alone amidst trials and condemnation.

-THE END-

Phenomenology of Rejection Part III

It is an issue on “independence” (being able to stand up on ones own feet). What is the connection between “Rejection” and “Independence”. If we separate the two, we are now looking at “rejection” and “independence” in a different perspective. Rejection is a state of being deprived of attention and affection thus giving you a feeling of being unwanted; while independence is free from the influence, and guidance from others. What is the connection between these two factors? Basically, when one is being rejected or taken for granted in any way for consecutive times, the person learns to become “independent”.

What is the essence of these experiences? During those times of being a cast off, I felt that I could somehow adapt to that feeling, making me numb to every rejection about to come. Adapting to this feeling means that I should be self-reliant and independent of other people’s attention and that I should not be influenced by what they think of me. Somehow I learned to become apathetic of the goings on around me. I told myself that there are many more things that can be achieved when one is independent. If one depends on a certain person, (In our case, our parents) you are bound by their limits and boundaries.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part II

As I slowly matured to a teenager, I became very independent. During my high school days, I started to stay away from home. I became a happy-go-lucky person. I’ve taken for granted my studies and prioritized my friends, not thinking about the side effects of my decision. I suddenly felt freedom because when I am with my friends, I felt that I can do everything, that everything is in the palm of my hands ( I can do everything I want without any inhibitions and regrets). It even came to a point where we started drinking everyday at our school without my parents knowing it. I became an alcoholic, thinking that it can help me clear my mind from all the problems I have. When I was younger, I was always with my grandparents (mother side) because they are the only ones that can understand me. They believed in my capabilities. When I was in grade school, I was a constant achiever because they (my grandparents) believed in me. I excelled because of their faith. That was enough for me to do all of my duties extra ordinarily well. That is why when my grand mother passed away, I felt that some part of me died, that I couldn’t live anymore without her. For some time, I was being laid back from all the things that were supposed to be done. During those trying times, I was being dragged to a path that I never liked. I became a “typical bad boy.” During those days, I thought of committing suicide but some part of me was saying,”You have better things to do in your life rather than committing suicide”. What was happening to my life? What am I going to be if this kind of attitude towards life continues?

It was apparent to the above narration that in order to answer these questions, I would have to look deeper into my self and see the different factors that led me to this path. This can be generally described as a problem on a person’s relationship to himself. How much do you know yourself? Basically, a person must seek what is his (her) purpose (the essence of life itself) in his (her) life.

Phenomenology of Rejection Part I

Ever since I was a little child, my parent’s concern to me was extraordinary. They gave me ample attention even though they feel very tired and stressed out. They even brought me to their office in order to attend to my wants and needs. They never seem to fail in giving me my heart’s desire. Even my older sister allots her time for me. I was the “bunso” for seven years. I was the center of attention for a long time. But after that, my baby sister was born. After her birth, I was suddenly neglected. The kind of attention that was given to me suddenly faded, it was passed on to my baby sister. During those times, I was confused. I was asking myself, why is she getting that much attention? Am I not good enough? At this point, I wasn’t aware that I was already in pain. I was experiencing partial rejection.

As time passes by, my awareness of the fact that I was not the center of attraction anymore started to get into my head, I started to believe that it is normal; that I don’t need anyone in order to survive. But why do I feel that I was being left out when my baby sister is around? Why am I longing for the attention that was given to me when I was still the “bunso” in the family? That was the question that keeps on bothering my head. It was hard for me to comprehend because I was still young then. I can still recall when I was about 8 years old: We went to the mall to buy something for ourselves; my mom was so exuberant when it comes to buying clothing and bags for her daughters but when it comes to her son, the atmosphere suddenly becomes so cold. I was asking my mother for a certain pair of shoes because I needed it for our PE classes but she didn’t approved of it, instead, she told me that we will buy it some other time. In my mind, I thought that it was just alright because as she said, maybe some other time; but when it comes to my sisters, she always approves of it. Then I thought, “Why does she always approve of their wants but when it comes to me, she denies me?” Then I decided to become a little bit insistent on my wants, but I ended up being scolded. I reflected on the things that I did during that time and it came to my mind; ”Maybe what I did was wrong, Maybe I didn’t need those things, Maybe I don’t deserve it” Then I asked my mom “Ma, anak mo ba ako?” she replied, “Yes, you are my only son and for that, I love you so much.” I can never forget the time when she said that to me because it gave me “hope” and helped me move on but it didn’t make me forget the fact that I was being deprived of my wants.

to be continued...

The Body

A holistic approach on the study of man would be to discuss him as a person physically and him as a person spiritually, socially and mentally. The Body is a part of a human person wherein they perform their specific task by utilizing the body. It is true that “the body” is a very intriguing subject because the functionality of a human person is what we are taking about, the essence of his life as a human being. It’s impossible to discuss a person without mentioning of the body and soul together. When we refer to a body, it is useless without the soul. Of course this spring true for believers like us Christians; while some people do not believe in the soul; they believe in a higher form of being. A form of being which only a limited and lucky few are able to reach right time and place.

According to Aristotle, a great philosopher, “man is the whole of his body and soul. There is no sense in asking if body and soul are one. They are like the oneness… The relation of matter to form… Likewise, the body and soul of man are only two aspects of the whole man.” What Aristotle said is true because the ‘body’ is the structure of a person’s ‘soul’ and the ‘soul’ gives the life to the ‘body’ in the guise of its emotions. The human body is a very complex structure because the physical body is the form wherein the soul takes it shape. The Soul energizes the body and guides ‘it’ to create a better living standard or basically become a humane individual. Thus, they are two distinctive aspects of a unique human being. Human existence is animated by the soul through the body, it uses the body as a medium of interpreting its feelings and communicate with others, Hence, these concepts of a human person makes an earthly being unique.

sorry, i can't

If I can take your pain away from you, I would
If I can make it my own, I would
If I can turn your sadness into joy, I would
But I can't.

If I can strike down those who stand against you, I would
If I can curse those who cursed at you, I would
If I can hate those who hate you, I would
But I can't.

If I can make you see the magnitude of my love, I would
If I can make you feel the warmth of my touch, I would
If I can make you realize what I've always known, I would
But I can't.

I can't take your pain away, I don't know how.
I can't strike your enemies down, you won't let me.
I can't make you feel my love, it's all over.
But if I could, I would. But I can't.

Angst for Goodbye

Have you ever woke up and felt that something’s missing? Have you ever longed for a certain someone’s hugs, kisses, and sweet words? Have you lost someone so dear and felt hopeless and had the urge to be miserable for the rest of your days?

Everyone has that certain something about ‘goodbyes’. It’s just that goodbye makes us feel a certain anxiety, a feeling of agitation and worry about what would happen next? Is this the end? This expression leads us to the beginning that life is not a permanent gift from God. It’s only a matter of time when He would decide to take away ‘Life’ and lead you to eternal life. I mean, “What if you are not yet ready for the next step? What if you can’t bear the thought of losing your life when you still got many more things in line for tomorrow and the next days to come? Life is full of ‘What ifs’.

I know that we should learn to ‘let go’ and move on; that we shouldn’t dwell in the past. But Damn! What if the past is the only thing that comforts you when you feel oppressed, what if the past helps you survive your day-to-day activities, what if the past is the only thing that keeps you alive? Wouldn’t you hang on to it with everything you’ve got? Wouldn’t you hang on to it even if it cost you your last breath?

I understand that life is not permanent. That death is inevitable. But would you do what ever it takes to save your loved ones and would even exchange your life for theirs?

Loving someone is extraordinary; ‘Love’ brings out the best in you. It reveals the inner goodness that you possess. It also brings out the heaps of emotions that everyone keeps hiding inside themselves. I dedicate this song for the people who misses their youth, their childhood days. When everything feels alright and believing that life is a carefree journey…


HOME
Brian McKnight
Thinking back when we first met
I remember what you said
You said you'd never leave me
I let go of your hand
Built my castle in the sand
But now I'm reachin' out again
And I'm not letting go
Till you

Hold me
Mold me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Shape me
make me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way
Back home

Master upon my knees i pray
I just want to be the clay
Put your arms around me
Place my life in your hands
Lord, I know I'm just a man
I know you understand
This time I'm not letting go
Till you

Anoint me
Appoint me
Sometimes I feel so alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Chastise me
Baptize me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way

'Cause I'm lost and alone
I've been wandering
Long enough to know
Humbly I search for you
And I'm not gonna rest
Till you

Choose me
Use me
Sometimes I feel so alone
I'm on my way back home

So why don't you
Direct me
Bless me
Wash me whiter then the snow
I'm on my way
Back home


“Take life one step at a time,
and don’t let even one moment pass you.
every moment is an opportunity, you
should treasure it and learn from it
cherish every moment that you have”

three-on-one

Dads love telling their children heroic stories about themselves. It makes them look big and epic-like to their impressionable children. I'm probably no different. When the time comes that I'm blessed to have a son and he's reached the age where he can comprehend what I'm saying, then I'm going to bombard him with stories of what his dad did in his younger days. Sure, I'll leave out embarrasing stuff like my senior ball from the autobiography, but that won't stop me from telling little nuggets like my 3 on 1 game.

The whole point of that introduction, is to point out that even yeeeears and years from now, it still won't stop me from telling the story of how little ol' me beat out three man-childs in a basketball game of 3 on 1, myself being the one, in case you didn't get that.

So I played with two of my bandmates, Marc(Bass) and Fu(Electric), and my good buddy Wilson. Let me tell you something about them, just to get an idea of how stacked the matchup was against me. Fu was the smallest of the three, but still taller than I am. His name isn't Fu by the way, it's a nickname. Just like the Fonz, only... different. Anyway, he's about 5 foot 7 or 8, pretty heavy, he usually muscles his way for rebounds and he's pretty solid inside. He's got a decent jumper and sometimes, but rarely, shoots the 3. Wilson was around 6 feet. He's tall enough to go inside but goes outside as well. He's got a decent rainbow-looking jumper, tall enough to slash into the basket and is also effective inside. Finally, Marc, around 6 feet himself, has probably the best inside game of the 3 inside players. Though he's got footwork problems (note: travelling), he's pretty much unstoppable about five feet from the basket. So what about me? Little ol' me stood at five foot four and about 125 pounds soaking wet. It wasn't much against 3 players who exceeded a combined 450 pounds. Of course, I was in better shape then than I was now. Anyway, I was a scoring point, so I had a good mid-range jumper, I was a streaky 3 point shooter and I was pretty good breaking down defences and getting to the hole. So that was the matchup.

Now of course, I could take them and win individually back then, but there were three of them. They could just pass the ball to each other and I wouldn't catch them. And they were all taller, they could just throw it high. So how did I win?

Well I started by just standing my ground inside and let them have their jumpers, I'd be fine with letting them win with jumpers. They were all inside players so the percentages favored me. Of course, they could have just kept feeding the ball inside and I wouldn't have a chance, but there were a lot of underestimating and laughing at my expense, so I took advantage of that. They set up with a triangle with Wilson or Fu by the free throw line and Wilson/Fu and Marc to my left and right. My initial strategy was that I thought I couldn't defend them and I was pretty confident with my speed game so I thought I'd trade baskets with them and hope they miss one to give me the lead. But it didn't exactly happen that way.

I started missing shots early, which was a problem. It was a game to 12 or 15, so it was a short game and I could be losing fast. They built an early 2 or 3 point lead (the game was 1 and 2 pointed) as I started throwing threes which missed. They were passing the ball around me and basically having their way. But the momentum would change in an instant.

I started to increase my defense and forced them to take outside shots which they were missing. There were 3 of them so I had to defend like the tazmanian devil, running all over the place. Eventually, they started to miss and I made shot after shot, a three here and jumper there to take and extend my lead. When I was about a couple of points away, that's when they started to panic. They knew I had all the momentum and I was almost going to win. They tried to come back but it was too late. None of them had the speed to keep after me and I spent my entire four years of high school being double teamed, so I wasn't rattled. Finally, end game.

Years from now, my son is going to hear all this. He's going to hear about how his dad David-ed his way against three Goliaths. He's going to hear that it wasn't that his dad was better than the 3 players, because I wasn't. If we played the 3 on 1 five more times, they'd still probably win at least four times. But my son is going to hear that I came with a plan, then I had the smarts to alter the plan, and I also worked hard to be good enough to mount the comeback and most importantly, I had the heart to mount that comeback. Yes, it's just a pickup game and it's just a cool and bragging rights kind of victory for me. But for my son, it's going to be a life lesson.

Let's just hope I'm still buddies with Wil, Marc and Fu fifteen years from now, just so my son can see how huge were the people that dad beat. Thanks Wil, Marc and Fu! You've just became my yet unborn son's earliest teacher.

quotable quotes

"It is refreshing and salutary, to study the poise and quietness of Christ. His tasks and responsibility might well have driven a man out of his mind. But he was never in a (rush), never impressed by numbers, never a slave of the clock. He was acting, he said, as he observed God to act—never in a hurry."
-J. B. Phillips

"The cure for all ills and wrongs, the cares, the sorrows and the crimes of humanity, all lie in the one word 'love.' It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life."
-Lydia Maria Child "

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
-Bertrand Russell

What Makes a MAN...

Have you ever wondered what goes on in a man’s mind? Sure you probably heard some answers or even read some articles about it but does it serve its purpose?

It seems that many people are confused why men sometimes act strangely. Maybe you have experienced it first hand when a man acts like a happy-go-lucky person and suddenly transforms to a grumpy individual. You can’t blame us because it is our nature to constantly change our moods. We are also “Human” who has feelings. If we men don’t, then we might as well be dead.

You might have also heard of men arguing about something and ends up fighting and even cursing each other. It’s normal; it is how men express ourselves and show that we are worthy members in the group. There are various things that occur in a man’s mind. Men don’t always have the words “Sex and Beer” in our brains. There are deeper things that lurk in a man’s mind. We men are not “Shallow minded beings”.

Nobody has the right to call us men “ignorant and apathetic persons” because we can also do what other people can do. You shouldn’t judge our facade, but instead; you should look deeper inside. And discover that there’s far more in us than just being ‘Adams’.