Phenomenology of Rejection Part I

Ever since I was a little child, my parent’s concern to me was extraordinary. They gave me ample attention even though they feel very tired and stressed out. They even brought me to their office in order to attend to my wants and needs. They never seem to fail in giving me my heart’s desire. Even my older sister allots her time for me. I was the “bunso” for seven years. I was the center of attention for a long time. But after that, my baby sister was born. After her birth, I was suddenly neglected. The kind of attention that was given to me suddenly faded, it was passed on to my baby sister. During those times, I was confused. I was asking myself, why is she getting that much attention? Am I not good enough? At this point, I wasn’t aware that I was already in pain. I was experiencing partial rejection.

As time passes by, my awareness of the fact that I was not the center of attraction anymore started to get into my head, I started to believe that it is normal; that I don’t need anyone in order to survive. But why do I feel that I was being left out when my baby sister is around? Why am I longing for the attention that was given to me when I was still the “bunso” in the family? That was the question that keeps on bothering my head. It was hard for me to comprehend because I was still young then. I can still recall when I was about 8 years old: We went to the mall to buy something for ourselves; my mom was so exuberant when it comes to buying clothing and bags for her daughters but when it comes to her son, the atmosphere suddenly becomes so cold. I was asking my mother for a certain pair of shoes because I needed it for our PE classes but she didn’t approved of it, instead, she told me that we will buy it some other time. In my mind, I thought that it was just alright because as she said, maybe some other time; but when it comes to my sisters, she always approves of it. Then I thought, “Why does she always approve of their wants but when it comes to me, she denies me?” Then I decided to become a little bit insistent on my wants, but I ended up being scolded. I reflected on the things that I did during that time and it came to my mind; ”Maybe what I did was wrong, Maybe I didn’t need those things, Maybe I don’t deserve it” Then I asked my mom “Ma, anak mo ba ako?” she replied, “Yes, you are my only son and for that, I love you so much.” I can never forget the time when she said that to me because it gave me “hope” and helped me move on but it didn’t make me forget the fact that I was being deprived of my wants.

to be continued...